Into the fire

March 4th

You move me.  You give me courage I didn’t know I had.  You move me.  Now I can’t go with you and stay where I am.  You move me, out of myself and into the fire.  You move me, now I’m burning with love and with hope and desire.  You move me.  You get me dancing and you make me sing.  You move me, now I’m taking delight in every little thing. – Garth Brooks

I’ve always been a big fan of Garth Brooks but only first heard that song my senior year in high school when BW (random high school BF) added it to a mix tape that he gave me.  Yeah, I said that; Mix tape.  Now that we know I’m ancient, we’ll move on.  I was in love.  Not with B, sadly as my mom seemed to be smitten with him.  But with that song.  It spoke to my hopeful, teenage heart.  Unfortunately, when I saw Mr. Brooks in concert last fall, that old time favorite was not on the docket.

This morning while traveling to work with my sometimes assistant, G, this song came on after her standard request for “Fight Song”.  I turned it up and began belting it out, of course.  And as I looked in my rear view mirror that is always turned to reflect her little face, her massive, brown eyes were staring at me almost knowingly.  I’ve been told repeatedly that my little G is intuitive.  And I’ve been the recipient on multiple occasions of statements that are far beyond her tiny little mind and life experience.  Her perception of my feelings and the situation is truly otherworldly.  I told G that this was my song to her.  She smiled and as I continued singing, tears began to pour onto my makeup slathered face. Read More

Embrace the suckiness

March 9, 2016

I lost me.  Somewhere between falling madly in love with the bodybuilding, redneck of my dreams and becoming bunny-killing crazy on my bishop’s son.  But not like my current bishop’s son because he’s like 8, y’all and that would be weird.  But somewhere during this 8-year time period, I totally lost my shit.  Sometimes actually behaving psychotic but mostly, I no longer could account for the ME that people thought they knew.

I have this really crazy ability to be immensely grateful for the hundreds of beautiful people and terrific opportunities in my life while simultaneously wanting to crawl into the nearest bush and have a horrifically, ugly cry because of my real and perceived losses.  It’s a talent, people.  But remember that part where I wanted to create this space?  The safe spot after the ground drops out from under your feet but before you become master of mind and body with properly aligned chakras?    So anyway, still here.  Still in the middle. Read More

I like my villians to be evil

January 22, 2016

This morning as I was doing my hair, I heard the little, sweet yet simultaneously demanding voice from inside my bedroom shout “come find me”.  I love this part of my day.  I adore this daily notification that my youngest child and only daughter is awake and ready to interact with her family.  I set the blow-dryer down and put True Blood on pause, excited to scoop that little soul into my arms.  I dive onto the bed and pull the comforter down to expose what can be seen of the tiny face peeking out between equally small fingers.  “Oh good, you’re here” I say, going along with our morning ritual of hide and seek.  Immediately I hear W set his breakfast spoon down and head up the stairs, equally anxious to share in this moment with his beloved, little sister.  He too jumps on the bed and demands morning hugs.  Laying in between her two admirers, she turns from one to the other, tenderly stroking W’s cheek and petting my head while making her sweet declarations of love.

I tell them how my heart absolutely swells in these moments that we have together; how waking up with them is my favorite part of the day.  I say it aloud in hopes that they never question what they mean in my life but also because I won’t see them this weekend and, for me, that’s nearly unbearable.  I also have this need for God and the Universe to know that I *do* recognize the blessings and abundance in my life even while I mourn the losses.  Just like on every other Friday when I drive to work, knowing that I won’t hear their voices again until Sunday, my stomach becomes uneasy and my mind is unsettled.  I have recurring thoughts on the events that led me to where I am today.  And like all of the times before, I try to shoo them from my mind in order to get through the day.   Read More