Into the fire

March 4th

You move me.  You give me courage I didn’t know I had.  You move me.  Now I can’t go with you and stay where I am.  You move me, out of myself and into the fire.  You move me, now I’m burning with love and with hope and desire.  You move me.  You get me dancing and you make me sing.  You move me, now I’m taking delight in every little thing. – Garth Brooks

I’ve always been a big fan of Garth Brooks but only first heard that song my senior year in high school when BW (random high school BF) added it to a mix tape that he gave me.  Yeah, I said that; Mix tape.  Now that we know I’m ancient, we’ll move on.  I was in love.  Not with B, sadly as my mom seemed to be smitten with him.  But with that song.  It spoke to my hopeful, teenage heart.  Unfortunately, when I saw Mr. Brooks in concert last fall, that old time favorite was not on the docket.

This morning while traveling to work with my sometimes assistant, G, this song came on after her standard request for “Fight Song”.  I turned it up and began belting it out, of course.  And as I looked in my rear view mirror that is always turned to reflect her little face, her massive, brown eyes were staring at me almost knowingly.  I’ve been told repeatedly that my little G is intuitive.  And I’ve been the recipient on multiple occasions of statements that are far beyond her tiny little mind and life experience.  Her perception of my feelings and the situation is truly otherworldly.  I told G that this was my song to her.  She smiled and as I continued singing, tears began to pour onto my makeup slathered face.

You move me.  You give me courage I didn’t know I had.  You move me.  Now I can’t go with you and stay where I am.  You move me, out of myself and into the fire.  You move me, now I’m burning with love and with hope and desire.  You move me.  You get me dancing and you make me sing.  You move me, now I’m taking delight in every little thing. – Garth Brooks

Suddenly, the absolute truth of these words and their application to her place in my life resonated with me so completely that I literally couldn’t contain the love.  I instantly thought back to the many times over the last 5 years that I wanted to bail on these circumstances that life had presented me with.  How the rejection and betrayal of my seemingly adoring husband had me actually wanting out of this life.  As is evident by past entries, the situational depression brought about by this trial has left me in such a dark and ugly place.  So often the only thought I’ve had about the why is that my G would come to experience something in her life that required her to have seen her mother go through, survive, and come out the other side of this battle.  What will she face that will have necessitated her having such a courageous and brave mother?

You move me.  Now I’m burning with love and with hope and desire.  The shattered ME, lays just below the surface of everything the world sees each day.  But the ME who knows the burning of which he sings, exists only because of the soul that is so beautifully encapsulated in that tiny little angel sitting behind me.  And I know, even when my heart and my mind cannot seem to accept this new life, somewhere inside of me I know that this is my divinely appointed course.  To rise, like Dumbledore’s phoenix, from the ashes of its former self, re-birthing into the stunning and powerful visage that conquers.  Conquers both the internal and external voices shouting that it’s not enough.  That I am not enough.  G will only ever know the mother who conquered.

But how do I properly express that it is because of her; her very existence is the reason that I stumble forward each day when my mind and heart want to dive for protection under any available surface?  How do I teach her that it is by her very birth, her inherited greatness; the simple and unbelievably, incredible human she was born as, is the reason that I face each day?  How will she ever know that she moved me?  She gave me courage I never knew I had.

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2 thoughts on “Into the fire

  1. Pingback: My legs kick ass

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