January 15th, 2016
Perhaps I should thank Dr. W (ED therapist) for her suggestion last fall that I cease my daily gym routine. Of course suggestion implies that it was merely a passive attempt at potentially useful advice, when in reality it was a very authoritative ban on my standard gym routine. Even still, it’s because of her being all shouty about it, that I am avoiding the newly resolved peeps pouring into the gym. And I think this is the first year in ages that I haven’t set out with some weight related resolution.
Instead of some grand goal of transforming my body and my life this year, I’ve chosen to *know* me. To identify who I am at the core.
Dr. W and the gals have been harassing me since my induction into group to identify my “authentic self”. This inquiry into who I really am seriously tested my fondness for these ladies. I’ve always resented the suggestion that because I wear heels to sporting events (only baby wedges, folks), generally have gobs of jewelry hanging from my body, am never without a base-coat of makeup, and will send my kid into the gas station if I’m not “dressed”, means that I’m trying to impress who the hell ever. But here’s the thing, I’m thinking these people might be on to something. I mean, I know that’s why they exist, to know stuff and be useful, but obviously I’m not known for logical thinking.
I’ve relapsed in my recovery for two months now. I’ve completely reverted to my previous way of thinking. Restrictive eating, obsessing over food and binging and purging. Christmas damn near killed me. Holidays are typically hard for ED sufferers. But as a mom, it destroyed my heart not to have my littles for Christmas. This is the part that no one accounts for when they nonchalantly consider divorcing the spouse they no longer feel connected to. To those people, specifically my much younger, first-time-wife-self, I would like to connect my fist with…. Read More