3 Rings to Rule them All

I was first exposed to the LOTR trilogy when I was newly married to #1.  Though I didn’t take well initially to the Fellowship, I was taken with the Two towers.  It was the duality of Gollum that gained my intrigue.  When the movie ended, I was so completely consumed with this creature who now appeared to have this incredible depth and backstory that I wasn’t willing to wait another year to learn it.  And what if the movie never explored the events that led Smeagol to morph into the troubled, slightly creepy soul that he had become?  I immediately found and purchased the books online, this was not a risk I was willing to take.  Beginning with the Hobbit, I ravaged these books so ferociously that Ring Wraiths forced their way into my dreams and I accepted and embraced my new standing as a Fantasy Fiction fanatic. Read More

What I Wish He Knew

January 18th, 2016

“I sometimes find, and I am sure you know the feeling, that I simply have too many thoughts and memories crammed into my mind” – AD

January 18th, 2014 – D-Day.  I panicked.  What the hell was I supposed to do with the new found knowledge of his girlfriend?  He was terrified, that’s for sure.  For me, I couldn’t believe what was happening.  Actually, I could.  It explained so much of the found, yet denied, physical evidence over the last two years.  It explained his painfully, obvious lies and his irrational anger.

He had desperately locked his fingers tight on any information, unwilling to release anything unfound.  I handed him my ring and demanded his phone.  I knew no other way to make this habitual liar come forward than to make big, terrifying statements.  He rushed through his answers, always wavering in the story.  He was clearly unwilling to admit the severity or any details.  But I’d read enough to know, by his own words to her, that “if he couldn’t have her, he’d have to make it work at home” and I didn’t want to be his second choice.  It’s been over two years since I read those words.  And between my bold threats and pronouncements, his skittish attempts at disclosure, warnings of suicide, false reconciliation and gaslighting – I feel like he’s never understood all the ways and times that I wish he knew: Read More

The unknown sufferers of Trauma

April 13th, 2016

A few months back I got on with my local domestic violence shelter as a volunteer.  My thought was that if I spent the weekends that I was sans my babies in the service of others, I’d be a whole lot less pouty and maybe incorporate even more perspective into my life experiences.  Also, over the last few months I’ve been studying the Law of Attraction, The Power of Intention, The Secret – whatever your preference is – and I’m pretty desperate to get on a higher vibe or attract some better circumstances into my life, so there’s a bit of selfishness sprinkled in with my altruism.

Last night I attended our monthly training where the topic centered around Trauma Informed Care.  As the presenter focused on identifying and responding to someone in trauma, so much of what she said touched at the core of my being.  Symptoms of trauma fall into the categories of physical, cognitive, behavioral, and emotional.  So many times over the last 8 years I have felt as if I have been suffering from PTSD.  And as I’ve sat amongst my friends in Group, I could only think to assign that same diagnosis to this beautiful crowd.  During this training, I felt something unexpected; a kinship with these women I’ve been serving.

Though I had not been the victim of a husband’s physical abuse, I had very much survived emotional and psychological abuse.  Upon returning home last night, I began compiling a list of parallels so that just maybe, I could help others understand what goes on physically, mentally, and emotionally for those who have lived with addiction.
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