Remember that time I threw up verbally on #3 as he unexpectedly stood on my doorstep? So far, I’m glad I did that. I feel better having communicated hurt and sadness as opposed to the last 7 months of communication that has basically consisted of what could be called slut shaming. Except I don’t know at all what that means. Essentially, the only response I gave #3 in the last half of 2015 was to accuse him with my words and with his own sexting *shiver* pictures, of being a dirty, dirty whore that ruined our family. Most assuredly not my finer moments.
So anyway, to follow up with my surprise doorstep crying, I sent a text taking accountability and offering my apologies. It’s kind of a wonder anyone likes me, honestly. But anyway, I didn’t take accountability for his actions. I took accountability for mine.
Because no matter what another has done to us, it’s never ok to be unkind.
But also because it’s becoming more and more clear to me, that he was just a different kind of broken. After all, refusing to feed my body the calories it requires, destroying my joints with over training and squatting myself into hemorrhoids, and, of course, the horrific torture of purging – I didn’t do this out of self-love.
Habitually cheating on a fantastic wife or chronically abusing a perfectly good, God-given body aren’t manifestations of people who recognize their own greatness. The inherent greatness that we are all born with as divinely created souls encased in imperfectly created bodies. So while I’m sure that he is completely baffled by my sudden switch to a Tao driven yogi, I hope that I adequately communicated the truthfulness of my realizations and the authenticity of my compassion for his beautiful, tortured soul. That his healing, is no less needed than my own. And how fantastic would it be if in some other dimension we are both whole and healed and a beautiful, intact family. And also, I really hope that I can keep this centered me around for a little bit longer. Because, living in peace and accepting that this is just the course my life has taken is a billion times more freeing than being trapped in the bitterness and anger and unspoken pleas for his destruction. And I don’t know what happens next, but I don’t have to. And that, in itself, is a beautiful step into a better tomorrow.