A really incomplete backstory.

September 22, 2015

Yesterday was my weekly counseling session.  Now that she’s stopped wanting to choke me out because of my utterly screwed up view of appropriate meal planning, we’re discussing my “trauma”.  I’ve always viewed my trials and mistakes (mostly my inarguable poor taste in men) as really unfortunate luck or consequences of my equally unfortunate decisions.  But it’s through this process, my individual counseling and group meetings, that I’m beginning to think that maybe there is some value in grieving these losses.  Because that’s what a divorce is right, a loss?  The death of a marriage and family and a life that you knew as well as the future you had prepared for and dreamed of. Read More

The Poop Burrito

It’s been one week since what would have been my 5th wedding anniversary.  As was expected, the day, and the days that followed, came and went with no acknowledgement of that day or the 5 years since.  Except for Facebook.  Facebook is this really exceptional time keeper, reminding you exactly what you were doing on this day x many years ago.  So basically every day this week, FB diligently reminded me about the tristate adventure that was my honeymoon 5 years ago.  Since DDay, I haven’t been a big user of this social media platform.  I’ve stayed clear of constant reminders of the life I was living.  I did not want to catch glimpses of fun family outings, declarations of love made by adoring husbands, squishy new babies wrapped tightly in between two blissful parents, former family members who I now simply observed through social media and, of course, diet updates, weight loss photos and gym selfies.  So basically Facebook is an asshole and one big trigger. Read More

Living the Mystery

This morning I began listening to Wayne Dyer’s book Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life for the 3rd time in 4 months.   I commute daily to work and love me a good audio book. This wouldn’t typically qualify as what I would have previously considered good being that it wasn’t a thriller, fantasy or Sci-Fi.  But I’d recently picked up a variety of Non Fiction in order to nudge me along in my seemingly stagnant state.  This book was given to me at a time when my ED recovery was especially frustrating.  I had been working with my team for almost 9 months and still seemed to be carrying this monkey on my back in spite of my efforts to remain compliant with the list of behaviors I had incorporated into my life.  I was praying, journaling, meditating, practicing yoga, following a meal plan, I’d stopped going to the gym and I was most definitely *feeling* each emotion as they crept up on me, mostly without any subtlety.  My refusal to block the emotion was evident in the absurd amount of crying that was now a part of my routine. Read More