About

AboutMe2-02

“You just look bad on paper”, my best friend said in all seriousness in an effort to try and provide comforting words while discussing my impending divorce.  “If you know you, and the circumstances surrounding your divorce, you are totally normal.  Even fabulous.  It’s just, it looks bad if you were to write it all out.”

Although this blog (and myself) do a really poor job of telling my story in chronological (or any) order, I hope that the intent is clear.  That although life will do it’s damndest to throw a never-ending series of unplanned and unwelcomed events at you, if we allow ourselves and others the proper space to feel  and grieve and scream and cry and find solace in one another, we may just make it out the other side of the chaos.

Through these posts I share the very raw and ugly journal entries that I started while in recovery of my eating disorder.  But the bigger theme you’ll find is that working through this awful illness, requires me to dredge through the trauma that ultimately led to the manifestation of the symptoms of an underlying disease.  Nobody wakes up and decides to be bulimic.  Or maybe they do.  But this is my discovery of those events that enabled me to choose to believe the thoughts that led to behaviors that nearly brought about my destruction.

The self deprecating side of me takes great joy in laughing at the absurdity of my once very regular self having been married and divorced 3 times.  But during the ED recovery process, I’ve learned that it’s less funny than it is really pretty crappy.  Though I am learning to love or recognize the need for all the parts of all the husbands, I am very much in grieving.  And that’s where my story picks up.  Grieving the divorce and death of #2 who ultimately succumbed to a devastating and deadly drug addiction.  But bigger and more in-my-face, is the immense grief that I am currently struggling with everyday of my life at the loss of my most recent marriage to a sex addict.  And this is the part where you’ll find me; crawling through the days that I wonder if I will ever truly recover from the trauma of betrayal.  And it is through this that I invite you to find parts of your story, of your losses, traumas or grievances.   My purpose for being here, is to create a space that I couldn’t find during the most harrowing times of my life.  This is my Room of Requirement.  It’s exactly the place that I need it to be, when I need it.  If you find yourself cowering in the ugly middle of a devastating end and a terrifying beginning, I hope you can take shelter here.  Be present with me as I stumble to find my footing through divorce, eating disorders, single parenting, drug/porn/and sex addictions.  Find a piece of yourself in each of my stories or sit back, roll your eyes as you wordlessly mouth “what the actual F#%?”.  This is a place of non judgement.  Know that I’m sharing my heart, mind, and soul – uncensored and uncut.  It ain’t always pretty, y’all!

Why I’m here

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6 thoughts on “About

    1. I am so sorry you’re going through so much. It’s why I started blogging I realised there were so many in so much pain who felt they are alone. I hope you can find comfort or at least a kindred spirit here. Hugs!

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      1. It absolutely does. Everything you are describing in “your story” was mine to a T. I was married to a man with a substance abuse problem. After getting out of that horrible situation, my ex came into the scene. He was a returned missionary and brought me into the church and became my “savior”.. everyone loved him. He was so charming, good looking, did EVERYTHING right. My family was in love with him and people told me how lucky I was. After we were married, I started noticing signs. He would start getting really depressed. I slowly found signs of porn. After all sorts of problems, found out how bad his porn use was. Which then also slid into the cycle of full blown affairs. I was pregnant in my garments feeling so unattractive, finding out about these beautiful women he would sleep around with. He begged for my forgiveness. But in between would show HUGE signs of narcissism. I never did anything right. But then would turn on his charm in front of everyone else. I dealt with this off and on for 12 years. I too had bulimia. We have a lot in common. When I finally left my situation- he had multiple affairs. He is still with the last woman that he was having an affair with. She is beautiful. They both make lots of money. I am alone and single and I have them show up to kids events together. It’s so hard for me. It’s caused me so much pain. No I don’t want him, but the pain is still there. I would love to email you.. Did you guys ever hear of Lifestar?

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      2. I have heard of life Star now. As well as other available resources. But it’s been two years since we were truly both working on reconciliation and healing. It’s been about 8 months since we stopped altogether. Sex addiction seems like a crutch more than anything for him. He is amazingly charming and kind at times. He would beg for his family back and show me and all of the world so many acts of kindness. But he never went through with any of our counselors recommendations and he was never fully able to stop with the other women. I don’t know that he’s currently with anyone and all of his Affairs were with married women who are all still with her husband. But he does show to all the world what a phenomenal person he is. Even saying that it’s his fault there by making himself more endearing to people. I am far from recovery and still have moments where I feel completely broken. My self-worth and self-image has struggled entirely. And as you know when you have an eating disorder you don’t really love yourself anyway. Please email me any time at Ijustlookbadonpaper@gmail.com

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