“You just look bad on paper”, my best friend said in all seriousness in an effort to try and provide comforting words while discussing my impending divorce. “If you know you, and the circumstances surrounding your divorce, you are totally normal. Even fabulous. It’s just, it looks bad if you were to write it all out.”
Although this blog (and myself) do a really poor job of telling my story in chronological (or any) order, I hope that the intent is clear. That although life will do it’s damndest to throw a never-ending series of unplanned and unwelcomed events at you, if we allow ourselves and others the proper space to feel and grieve and scream and cry and find solace in one another, we may just make it out the other side of the chaos.
Through these posts I share the very raw and ugly journal entries that I started while in recovery of my eating disorder. But the bigger theme you’ll find is that working through this awful illness, requires me to dredge through the trauma that ultimately led to the manifestation of the symptoms of an underlying disease. Nobody wakes up and decides to be bulimic. Or maybe they do. But this is my discovery of those events that enabled me to choose to believe the thoughts that led to behaviors that nearly brought about my destruction.
The self deprecating side of me takes great joy in laughing at the absurdity of my once very regular self having been married and divorced 3 times. But during the ED recovery process, I’ve learned that it’s less funny than it is really pretty crappy. Though I am learning to love or recognize the need for all the parts of all the husbands, I am very much in grieving. And that’s where my story picks up. Grieving the divorce and death of #2 who ultimately succumbed to a devastating and deadly drug addiction. But bigger and more in-my-face, is the immense grief that I am currently struggling with everyday of my life at the loss of my most recent marriage to a sex addict. And this is the part where you’ll find me; crawling through the days that I wonder if I will ever truly recover from the trauma of betrayal. And it is through this that I invite you to find parts of your story, of your losses, traumas or grievances. My purpose for being here, is to create a space that I couldn’t find during the most harrowing times of my life. This is my Room of Requirement. It’s exactly the place that I need it to be, when I need it. If you find yourself cowering in the ugly middle of a devastating end and a terrifying beginning, I hope you can take shelter here. Be present with me as I stumble to find my footing through divorce, eating disorders, single parenting, drug/porn/and sex addictions. Find a piece of yourself in each of my stories or sit back, roll your eyes as you wordlessly mouth “what the actual F#%?”. This is a place of non judgement. Know that I’m sharing my heart, mind, and soul – uncensored and uncut. It ain’t always pretty, y’all!