Slightly Mental

I was 3 months into a false reconciliation with #3 when I embarked upon my first *real* attempt at ED recovery.  To clarify, I say “false” because at the time that I created space in my life, both physically and mentally, for #3 to demonstrate all of the ways that he was “completely different”, he was actually just beginning a second affair with his original accomplice in our first D-Day.  But to be fair, it was also false because I was not actively working towards reconciliation.  For my part, a better description would be I was passively observing him.  I was desperately waiting for full disclosure, something he never provided, as well as observing what actions he would take to overcome and maintain sobriety in his “addiction”. Read More

3 Rings to Rule them All

I was first exposed to the LOTR trilogy when I was newly married to #1.  Though I didn’t take well initially to the Fellowship, I was taken with the Two towers.  It was the duality of Gollum that gained my intrigue.  When the movie ended, I was so completely consumed with this creature who now appeared to have this incredible depth and backstory that I wasn’t willing to wait another year to learn it.  And what if the movie never explored the events that led Smeagol to morph into the troubled, slightly creepy soul that he had become?  I immediately found and purchased the books online, this was not a risk I was willing to take.  Beginning with the Hobbit, I ravaged these books so ferociously that Ring Wraiths forced their way into my dreams and I accepted and embraced my new standing as a Fantasy Fiction fanatic. Read More

What I Wish He Knew

January 18th, 2016

“I sometimes find, and I am sure you know the feeling, that I simply have too many thoughts and memories crammed into my mind” – AD

January 18th, 2014 – D-Day.  I panicked.  What the hell was I supposed to do with the new found knowledge of his girlfriend?  He was terrified, that’s for sure.  For me, I couldn’t believe what was happening.  Actually, I could.  It explained so much of the found, yet denied, physical evidence over the last two years.  It explained his painfully, obvious lies and his irrational anger.

He had desperately locked his fingers tight on any information, unwilling to release anything unfound.  I handed him my ring and demanded his phone.  I knew no other way to make this habitual liar come forward than to make big, terrifying statements.  He rushed through his answers, always wavering in the story.  He was clearly unwilling to admit the severity or any details.  But I’d read enough to know, by his own words to her, that “if he couldn’t have her, he’d have to make it work at home” and I didn’t want to be his second choice.  It’s been over two years since I read those words.  And between my bold threats and pronouncements, his skittish attempts at disclosure, warnings of suicide, false reconciliation and gaslighting – I feel like he’s never understood all the ways and times that I wish he knew: Read More